002 Warming up

Good evening i'm Tony Tardio and welcome back to the news desk. We've had a busy past month, full of drama and controversy and its my pleasure to bring it to your attention. (Remember click to enlarge small pictures)

Tonights top story... is Lorimer gay??

Some of the boys on 'fifth floor woods' have raised concerns that Lorimer may be batting for the other team. These concerns seem to be backed with substatial evidence revealed by our undercover scouts. We spoke with the head of the investigation Sgt Larry Davis who seemed confused. "It could be the pink polka dotted headband he wears, or the fact he gave someone a friendly wink as he was coming out of the cubicle. However my belief is that it was the following conversation caught on tape just a few weeks ago. 5th floor resident Mike came by Lorimer and Jacksons room to see if they wanted to have a shower, Lorimer was absent so Mike asked Kevin Jackson who was less than enthusiastic. Mike responded jokingly by stating "C'mon we can fit four in the disabled" to which Kev replied "Nah not now, i'll wait till Lorree gets back". Startled with the response Mike said "Hey, i was only joking", "Oh, thats a bit embarrassing" replied Kev.

Lorimer agents soon had a talk with the involved parties and Straightened things out, so to speak.

Injury woes continue.

In a freak turn of events Lorimers ankle now looks puffier than a chain smoker. The ankle had recently been involved in a game of Volleyball and was unable to adjust to the shock of landing on a teammates foot after coming down from a spike. The injury fell into the most common category for ankle injuries, an inward roll. Things were looking promising for the young talent who has climbed as high as 3rd in his bowling class with an average of 150. After this weeks lame attempt his chances, much like his ankle have all but blown up. Fellow Australian Davies has hit a form slump after bowling scores as high as 190.

In another freak turn of events Lorimers ring finger has suffered some damage from an unfortunate elevator incident. Playing an ordinary game of raquetball with his hands in the elevator took a turn for the worst when his hand was caught in the railing around the inside of the lift. Lorimer not knowing at the time swung at the ball damaging both metatarsal 4 and 5. X-rays show no break.

Lorimer is trying to rest it and is learning to play sports with his opposite hand. His comments on the experience are "It's a good thing for any future P.E teacher to do as you have to go through the same struggles your eventual students will. It also feels good to learn something new with an uncoordinated body part.


Can you spot the 'HOT' and 'NOT'


This weeks Guiness report comes from Springfield MO, where it is believed a young man has scored 110% on a test. Sources have confirmed the authenticity of this report, however the test has been put under the microscope and is currently being compared to a suspiciously similar primary school test.

The "Unbreakable comb that couldn't handle
dreadlock rehabilitation camp, $0.87 wasted

Arkansas trip

They wound their way through treacherous stormy weather, dodging badgers and passing through KKK headquarters (Harrison, Arkansas) and even hell itself (Wal Mart). This was just the beginnings of the drama Lorimer would face...

Once at their destination Lorimer kept a low profile choosing to steer clear of any locals (who are the equivalent of Tasmanians). Instead he hung out with his chauffer and fellow passengers checking out the natural wonders on display which included waterfalls, hills, caves and rocks. Lorimers personal favorite was a cave with a waterfall to greet him at the end as well as some bats on the way back. Soon the pretty views were shrouded in darkness...

Night fell and the men were left to make a manly fire, armed with only an 8 pack of lighters, a forest full of trees and a bunch of paper. They attribute their success to the "Marky make Teepee" technique which Lorimer claims he has perfected.

Regardless of the fire it was to be a cold night for Lorimer who after walking for half an hour back to his tent realised his good friend Lindsey had cruelly locked his sleeping bag inside the car. After smashing 4 of the 5 windows including the windscreen Lorimer realised the sleeping bag was in the boot! Wellenstein considered pressing charges but was unable to get Lorimers hypothermic corpse out of the hospital and in to the courtroom. His body is currenly defrosting in a tanning salon somewhere in Springfield.

Quiet stream in Arkansas

Fashion

Paparazzi have snapped Lorimer sporting a new do. Social behaviourists have theorised the reason for this sudden change in appearance has something to do with the vast amount of attention Lorimer was recieving from the female species! (One girl said 'get lost' to him) Other experts claim it's due to his sheer laziness. Either way, Lorimers hair is now festering in knots relegating both brushing and washing things of the past (Oh wait you have to have done those things before to call them 'things of the past')

Mum, this way looks more deadly than it was!
This was not the only change Lorimer made to his appearance. In a bid to clean up before the Beijing Olympics Lorimer has gotten rid of his wispy beard...who are we kidding the only reason he did this was so fellow Australian Mark Davies had to shave both his legs. Neither party regrets their decision.

The wispy beard is now in hibernation and wont appear again until early November, when Lorimer is finally due to hit puberty!

Sport

It's now time for sport with Albert Pujols

Tony I'm here live at the Missouri State Intramural Raquetball competition where the "dirty convicts" an Australian/English combination, have just taken out the mixed doubles section. The convict also stole the silverware in the men singles event, nobody still knows whether that means it was stolen or won. Postmatch, the convict thanked his mother country and playing partner but made headlines when the speech ended with this controversial line "God shave the queen" Some people have taken offence but the convict in his defence replied. "Heck i guess EnglisH pHeople can't Handle it wHen pHeople mispHronounce a sHilent "H", wHat do tHey expHect witH a cHriminals educHation!"

Lorimer has also been criticised for his promiscous sporting behaviour. He is currently under fire from critics who claim he has been playing the field and has been intimately involved with at least 20 sports in the last month alone. The list includes. Yoga, Basketball, Baseball, Volleyball, NFL, AFL, Soccer, Ultimate frisbee, Frisbee Golf, Bowling, Shooting, Cycling, Golf, Lacrosse, Swimming, Tennis, Badminton and Raquetball. In his defence Lorimer claimed, "I haven't done anything wrong, Raquetball is still my one true love". However sources confirm otherwise as camera's have spotted Lorimer and neighbour Jeff Smith designing a new sport. The most reliable information predicts it will be given the name 'Ranch Ball'. More on this as it develops...

Goal news

In goal news Lorimer has failed with meat eating (Goal 4) choosing on one occasion to plead ignorance with a bowl of "potato" soup, choosing to believe it was chilli flakes floating around in his soup and refusing to ask cafeteria staff so he didn't know. The first piece of bacon revealed all, adding an unusual delicious factor to the dish.

Lorimer has also been sidelined from the big raquetball tournament as the team had been selected prior to his return to Missouri State (Goal 4)

This faliure to achieve his goals has forced Lorimer to enter "Miss woods"; A cross-dressing beauty contest. He goes in to the competition as a rank outsider (not just because he stinks and is from another country) T.A.B currently has him paying out $240 for the win and $70 for a place. Betting will close on the day of the competition, March 29th. The "twin falls" had a baby


Gullible is spelled with a silent 'h'

Lorimer couldn't resist an opportunity to convince a few americans that thumbs up in Australia was equivalent to the rude finger, and giving someone the bird was they way Aussies say G'day. Lorimers compassionate friend Kevin Jackson let them know the truth before they went to the Outback Steakhouse, (Aussie restaurant) and gave them the local greeting.


On the Church scene

In a recent interview with the Rolling Stone Lorimer made some suprise comments about church. "Its great to be back there, not just physically present..." "The food is in abundance and i especially like the pastor"..."I really think it's a place i can bring my friends to experience God"..."I think my attitude has made a huge difference in how i see things now"..."I'm just very excited about being an active in a church setting again"

The season defining ankle injury


Stock report

Now it time for us to check out the stock market wth our own stocky reporter Bruce Bulkbuy.

Thanks Tony...Plasma donation is up 10 to $60 per week, and with it pain levels have also risen 2 sharp points Weight remains steady around 172 pounds. Basketball has bounced back after an all time low caused by the arrival of "Sport in general". Hard work has become completely outdated and rival company Bludge Inc has attracted much attention from savvy investors. Church involvement continues to gain momentum as does "Cycling" which continues to roll on merrily however conservatives investors are reluctant to invest as some are predicting a crash very soon. (Especially if Lorimer continues to ride of the wrong side of the road) "Meat me @ the steakhouse" is experiencing tough times as potiental share owners STEER clear of this company. Thats all i have for you today, lets cross now to Jennifer (it a good day for a) Kite


Weather

Thankyou Bruce. Australians have been treated to the coldest winter of their lives as Springfield experienced a cold snap lasting nearly two weeks where temperatures barely scraped above 0 (32F) with wind chills reaching negative Antartica on more than one occasion. The cold weather has ended for now and it looks as if more normal temperatures are expected. Normal weather includes inconsiderate tornadoes that get everyone out of bed at 4:30am. Tornado season has started and other predictions for future weather are...

Short bursts of soccer, followed by hair with up to 80knots. Patches of softball (not to be confused with American Football, although it is commonly referred to as such) are predicted for the area, while it will continue to reign horses in nearby reigons.

Showers of both sanity and hygeine are also predicted to occur a few times in the next month. The UV index will remain UltraViolent as the large gun front that hovers over most of North America continues to dominate weather patterns.

Tornadoes with warm weather are predicted and will combine to form Hurricane "Clothing loss" which is expected to effect many ill prepared citizens.


Well thats all we have time for tonight. Wherever you are, may you news be good news.

I'm Tony Tardio,
God Bless & Goodnight.