Howdy ya'll. So here i am on the flip side of the equator. Luckily I have with me my good friend Tony Tardio whoI packed in my luggage to try to make my average life seem a little interesting. I thought about ditching him in LA after he complained about the way my bags were packed. What are you now Tony Tidyo?? But thats a story for another time...onto the real worldYes hello again folks, Im back again earning minimum wage and writing stories worth even less. So heres how things have been for Mr Lorimer since departing the Sunny shores of Australia.
Lorimers last day on home soil was spent watching Australia dominate England in the first of what experts are predicting will end up a "Bi-nations series". The next day he headed for a familiar airport with some familiar faces to walk through a familiar door which brings out a familiar emotion. Lorimer did well to 1) keep it together and 2) aviod any delays at the metal detector, his mum made sure he cut his NAILS this time. It wasn't until the plane was up in the air that Andrew realised he wasn't going to see these people for a long time. Sibling Nathan Lorimer being the onion the broke the camels back.
But now onto our main story for tonight
Our main story tonight is that Andrew John Lorimer is suspected of committing 3 murders in the Springfield area, which were all carried out between the hours of 10:30-1am on Wednesday the 30th of January. He was last seen entering a Karaoke bar at 10pm that evening. Coincidently this was the same ber where three songs were brutally murdered.
Lorimer who has pled guilty is meeting with lawyers today to get the charges downgraded to manslaughter. The Agueilera family is inconsoloble and understandably upset, "These are the kind of people that should be thrown into jail and never let loose again" sharing their sentiment was star rapper Eminem, who made his own comment "@#!** $#^&@#^ and @#%#!!^"
Breaking news in science now; and a team of researchers were spotted on flight UA840 from Melbourne to Los Angeles, experimenting with a variety of different sleep positions (head on tray, head on shoulder, head on bag on tray, etc) their conclusion was that it is impossible for men aged 18-25 between 6-7ft to fall asleep on a plane.
Lorimer, who was on the same flight soon made a discovery of his own. His flight from LA had been cancelled due to icy weather that ravaged much of Missouri, hitting particularly hard in Greene county. The bad weather left 75,000 Springfield residents powerless AND without electricity! Not wanting to complain, Lorimer made the most of this opportunity, booking a nice hotel for the night (compliments of Mr Travel Insurance) then finding Kevin Jackson and heading down to a freezing Californian beach where, "frisbees were thrown and fingers were frost bitten"
After a flight via Arizona Lorimer finally arrived back in the "Show Me state" greeted by old friend Brenna. He commented that "while it was a welcome it wasnt very warm", Minus 10 infact. Lorimer enjoyed the hospitality offered to him by her family until it was safe to make the trip down to Springfield.
"Far out" and "awesome" were words being thrown around in the car to describe what was now being seen. Local residents commented their town looked like everything was coated in crystals. Lorimer has already made some enemies by walking around telling people how cool this Natural Disaster worthy of calling in the National Guard was. Or perhaps it was the "Tree Busters tree felling service" he developed, kicking frozen branches clean off at will.
Trees were not the only thing that got frozen in the ice storm, Missouri State University cancelled all classes for the entire first week. This left Lorimer with more time than the 9th leg of an octopus. Fortunately the university came to the rescue offering FREE bowling for the entire week. Needless to say Lorimer developed RSI and bowled more games in that week than he has in his previous 22 years on this earth. He claims he was actually 'studying' as he is enrolled in a bowling class this semester!
In unrrelated news a young man from Longford has tried for a new guiness world record. The "Most sleep over a 3 day period". His gallant attempt that topped 45 hours wasn't quite enough to put him in the record books but as he commented "I was a bit sick, ill do better next time!"
Its now time for the goss with our 'out and about' reporter Susie. Thanks Tony. The media has spied Lorimer expanding his friendship base. Some experts claim the only reason it's expanding is because he's in overweight america! Others confirm there are a few new developements on the 5th floor of Woods. The media believes they are a 'good bunch', infact Lorimer has already converted 2 of them to the metric system (Goal 10) He also took care of (Goal 11) within a few sentences of reuniting with Sally.
Now its time for Sport with David Spoon
In preparation for an up and coming shooting meet Aussie pair Davies and Lorimer went in search of some bullets. After their first failed attempt they went into Target thinking "of course they will have bullets, after all their logo is a big target" They ended up finding something better. Two Road Bikes reduced for quick pedal... half price, which is exactly what a tight transportless foriegner needs. $53 later, transaction complete, blessing recieved.
Thats all we have time for tonight. I look foward to seeing you again next month. Lets hope it's more interesting than this one. May your news be good news and...goodnight
If you have any questions about any of these stories we can now be contacted at our new location.
Phone Number: (country code) 417 837 2592
Address: 1115 East Munroe St
Springfield, MO 65807 The Springfield Ice Storm
Pictures courtesy of Ken Duncan (c) 2007
