This just in. Person who writes my headlines has just been fired.
I’m Tony Tardio and welcome to the late edition of the news.
Police reports
Three men from Woods 5 were arrested last night and caught by police, accused for shoplifting. However, once back at the station police were informed that the enormous pile of goods the men were carrying was infact won at a local ‘grocery bingo’ game. Embarrassed, the police sent them on their way with a much needed complimentary shopping trolley to cart around their honestly acquired supplies.
Lorimer heads to
Over Spring break our media followed both Lorimer and good friend Davies on their trip to
The fact Lorimer had also recently purchased a book titled ‘A new kind of Christian’ by Brian McLaren also helped the trip fly by. This book posed challenges and made provocative statements that made Lorimer get angry, think, and process questions about what it means to be a Christian. Heres what others have said about the book.
‘Definitely worth challenging yourself to read’ -
‘This book gets back to some of the key aspects of living as a Christian that many people may have forgotten’ -
‘An engaging story that I find myself relating to and wrapped up in’ -Readers Digest-
The trip to
Health advocate Sheila Eatright was outraged with the choice to allow the team access to Arby’s restaurants. Their infamous “Cheese sticks” remain on the menu despite the controversy surrounding them. “This heart stopping product consists only of deep fried cheese” Sheila remarked, going on to say, “the only other thing that is as unhealthy, the team members encounter at each toilet stop, urinal cakes” Lured in by the forbidden flavour Lorimer went against her advice and has now attempted to eat both. True story!
We now cross live to Manwell Gonzales to report on scenes in and around
Yes, thanks Tony. Here I am just across the border inside of
The border crossing proved no problem for the 100+ member, 11 van convoy, who avoided suspicions of involvement with the mafia by taping white crosses on each of their vans. Once over this border onlookers were stunned at such an immediate change in affluence, architecture and language. Those hailing from island countries seemed especially confused with the change in language.
Due to the lack of running water and poor septic systems all Mexican toilets have bins next to them that you must dump your used toilet paper in. Lorimer started off badly; throwing 2 sets of paper in on his first trip. Fortunately he was quick enough to fish them out before they completely submerged….umm, Tony are we breaching any privacy laws here? …not in
Lorimer enjoyed celebrity status on the trip which ended up irritating him a little. Post trip he commented, “I was asked the same questions so many times, asked to say ‘typical aussie phrases’ and surrounded by people I sometimes felt only cared about the country I was from. It did get frustrating after a while”
Girl situation: Lorimers flamboyant hairstyle and unusual accent has landed him in a few odd situations of late. While flattered and even proud of people requesting photos of him outside of Wal-Mart and a local Mexican restaurant, he is trying to stand on the truth that this makes him no better of a person. “Girls admiring me, for whatever reason, should be directed up. God is the one who made me like He did and if someone finds enjoyment in that then it is probably his fault. But this reality gets clouded, as does everything when females are involved” Lorimer lamented.
Contrary to his mothers belief it seems knotty, unwashed hair attracts females. What sort of females, researchers are yet to determine! Sources have also released this equation on the likelihood of Lorimer falling in love with certain individuals. (Expressed as a percentage)
Initial interest shown = I
No of times told, “I love your accent” = ACC
General Attractiveness = GA
Make up factor = MF
L = 100 + GA
------------- ------
( I x ACC ) MF
Lorimers short post trip sickness (more on this later) allowed reporters to gain access of his personal accounts of the events that took place in
I’m pretty sure I learned more Spanish in 5 days than I did Japanese in 5 years! It’s amazing how much motivation and practice plays a part in learning. As a future educator I don’t think there is anything I can do for students who refuse attempts to learn. It is becoming more obvious that most of the responsibility does fall back on the student, contrary to what I have believed. However it is my responsibility to make their learning as relevant, useful and attractive as possible.
Faces lit up, both mine and the kids when they had understood something I’d said. The meaning having been transferred over thin air due to a lovely thing we call language. It really was special when I strung my first intelligible sentence together, it made me so happy to see a child responding with a nod and a smile. I guess we sort of take for granted the that we can know and understand what someone has meant with the words they have said.
The most commonly used word “Bien” or “Bueno” was followed closely by “el partedoo deh football” meaning lets play football, or something like that.
My favourite saying was “Piso majado”, Caution wet floor. I don’t know why! Mark and I just said it all the time.
1st day: Cleaned toilets and cooked (washed hands before starting the latter)
2nd day: Dug a hole, it was hard work. Now I can see why Darryl Kerrigan was so proud of his son Dale.
3rd day: painted at a church. The highlight of the day came at lunch when I yelled ‘allanyos’ to our Mexican hosts while pointing under the table. They jumped back from the table quickly, worried that a spider was crawling around, coming to get them. Hahaha. I also knew the word for joke which came in handy. They took it really well… or at least I couldn’t understand any of the loud Spanish abuse they were sending in my direction.
There was also a cute little kid at this worksite who I threw a ball around with. I faked him with a throw but then once he realised what I had done every one of his throws became a fake that I “fell for”. Infact he wouldn’t throw the ball until I had turned around wondering where it had gotten to. I soon found out, as it flew into the back of my head for the 97th time. I’d then turn round and see a cheeky little grin that made it worth doing another 97 times.
4th day: went shopping in town and found some cool Spanish CD’s. Once I got back on the bus and opened them I found they suffered from 3rd degrees burns! I guess that’s why they were selling them for a dollar each.
Later that day we helped put a shower in the local kindergarten teachers house. She was 15 and lived by herself during the week. I hope that shower makes life easier for her. I’m glad we could help with that.
Now back to the news desk.
Border water declared unsafe.
In a bid to stop a ‘free flowing’ epidemic, health officials have warned travellers that not only is the water in
Academic tragedy:
Another tragedy struck Lorimer upon his return to the
AMERICAN HEADLINES
Now onto what has become a regular feature in the news, “Stupid Americans”
Brick mobiles (the ones you could build houses with) have a commanding market share in
In other unrelated news there are 25 letters in the Australian alphabet. The letter K has been scrapped. Being unable to resist, Lorimer has seen this tric worc on multiple occasions.
SPORT
Intramural Frisbee: The flying saucers are off to a start with their season winning their first two matches comfortably but not without controversy. International recruit Lorimer, was nearly was mobbed by angry fans after breaking his contract to play against his team for the opposition who were down on players. Rumours spread viciously throughout Flying Saucers headquarters and staff were considering releasing him from his 7 game contract with no pay. Fans responded with genuine concern and have convinced management to allow Lorimer to play out the remainder of the season.
Intramural soccer: After a dismal 5v2 loss to start their season Aston Sunvilla has also had to deal with the pressures of replacing two of it’s female superstars whose commitment to the team has come under fire from head coach Huss Hiddink. “These individuals need to weigh up their priorities; earning millions of dollars from professional golf or winning an intramural title, it’s that simple”
Aston Sunvilla’s recent performances indicate that Hiddink may be blowing things out of proportion. Hard fought, come from behind wins of 6 v 4 and 2 v 1 in their past two outings have seen memberships triple from 1 to 3. “That’s a good result for the club”, defensive stalwart
Tennis: Lorimer has recently be appointed to a position on the ‘Greewood High Tennis’ coaching staff as assistant coach. Head coach Don East commented “It’s good to have someone who knows a little bit about tennis”. Such knowledge has proven unfruitful as Greenwood High recently succumb to their fourth straight defeat of the season in what can only be understated as a ‘Whitewash’. The final scoreline is as follows.
Greenwood v Thomas Jefferson
#1 Singles 0 8
#2 Singles 0 8
#3 Singles 0 8
#4 Singles 0 8
#5 Singles 1 8
#6 Singles 0 8
#1 Doubles 0 8
#2 Doubles 0 8
#3 Doubles 0 8
Total (Sets/games) 0/1 9/72
Rumours abound that Lorimer would have forced the entire team to drop their pants to their ankles and cut a lap of the courts had it not been for hero and
Injury news now, and Lorimer has spent two weeks on the sidelines before going against common sense and participating prematurely in physical activity after Hyper extending his right knee, which has been checked by both his doctor and athletic trainer. TAB are so sure this run of injuries will continue that they have put out some odds on his next injury.
TAB Injury odds (Payouts for $1 bet)
INJURY SITE
Lower extremity $1.75
Upper extremity $1.95
BODY PART INJURED
Wrist $5.40
Elbow $4.60
Ankle $2.75
Knee $3.25
Shoulder $6.50
Head $15
TYPE
Ligament damage $1.50
Broken bone $7.80
Muscle $4
Combo $17
MECHANISM
Rotation (internal and external) $2.40
Flexion $2.90
Extension $2.20
Too much Sport $1.02
School:
Once back from Spring break the load has been a little tougher on Lorimer who now has to attend school 5 days a week. His high school observations have revealed some telling things. Mainly, that most year 9 students can bench more than him!
Easter break:
Lorimer went up to KC (
While in KC they played (for lack of a better word) some golf, wiffleball and basketball. Lorimer also had the opportunity along with his Aussie counterparts to watch his first major league baseball game. Kansas City Royals lost 6v5 but earned us all a ““free”” Sundae, large snickers and a large coffee. Lorimer was particularly impressed with baseballers throwing skills. “It is unlike cricket where players lob the ball in to the stumps, these guys rocket it in, hard and flat.
Miss Woods:
In a shocking turn of events Lorimer has finished dead last in the Annual Miss Woods pageant. Bookies had him as a rank outsider but nobody thought all that previous experience would land him in last place. His agents believe his refusal to raise lustful thoughts has cost him the coveted title. This could be the end of an il(lust)rious career that has spanned at least a decade. It may be time for Lorimer to hang up the heels.
WEATHER
There is currently no weather outside so this segment has been cancelled until further notice.
STOCKS
The stock report has also been cancelled because it feels bad for the weather.
So I guess that’s it.
God bless, Goodbye and goodnight.
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