004 How it all finished up

Yes, yes I am "Aussie"

Church kickball, photo of a photo!

Having a Pole lotta fun with Stacey


Pastor Kev

The real Kev

No need to fear...it was free!

Hunting ducks on in a paddle boat on Chiles lake

Was that a fish

Acting like fools with our semi automatic pistols

No time for acting like fools during our shooting final!

Last one standing gets an 'A'

'A' is for Amazing race

And cAving

And reggAe concert

And pAddle boat

Breaking news tonight. Cars. Are Americans just giving them away, is there some hidden catch? Find out in tonight’s edition of the news.

Good evening and welcome again. I’m Tony Tardio.

Lets go first to our breaking news story where our reporters have uncovered a generous family who have just given their car away. “Yes Tony, it appears that Lorimer has just been given a car by the Chiles family. At the time neither party knew Lorimer would be returning to Springfield in August, making this act of generosity even more stunning. However, driving has been an issue as Lorimers first round trip saw him get in the passenger side both times, the second time sitting down for five seconds before realising there was no steering wheel in front of him. He was also spotted numerous times confusing the windscreen wipers with the indicator and was even seen shifting the non existent gear stick which is no longer located to his left.

Its now time for some general news.

Study

Lorimers attitude toward study has come under fire from critics who heard the following conversation with Stacey Rodger. “So, we’re playing golf this Tuesday?” …. “I have two exams on Wednesday.” Thinking she didn’t hear him Andrew repeated, “yeah, do you wanna play on Tuesday”. “Nah, I have two exams on Wednesday”…still thinking she had misheard Andrew repeated once more, “do you want to play on TUESDAY”. “I have two exams I have to study for!” All spelled out for him he finally got it, but continues to insist his approach to study was effective.

Reggae concert

The day was 4/20 or…20^th of April. A day the National Organisation for the reform of Marijuana laws (NORML) spread their propaganda. It was also the day Lorimer chose to go to a reggae concert. There the dreadlock to person ratio exceeded normal levels by a factor of 50 and the marijuana smoke by a factor of 500. The next day Lorimer woke with a stomach ache, having passively smoked quite enough. He later commented, “the music was good and my hairstyle felt pretty NORML”

Its now time for what has become a regular segment.

Stoopid Americans

While donating Plasma Andrew came across an employee he hadn’t met yet who asked him, “Hey where are you from”. “Have a guess” replied Andrew. “What” the man asked. “Have a guess” Andrew repeated. “Where’s that at?”, he questioned!!!

To minimise confusion when talking to Americans don’t ask these two questions.

1) What do you do with yourself? A likely response to this is a blank stare!

2) What did you get up to this week? A likely response to this is page 48!

On that note lets move on to sport.

Medical team concerned

Results of a recent MRI scan reveal Lorimer has suffered a grade 1 PCL (Posterior Cruciate Ligament) strain. Professionals are worried this could become a grade 2 injury if Lorimer continues with activities such as caving and competing in the Amazing Race

Missouri state scout new punter.

In his ‘team sports’ class Lorimer joyfully accepted the one-off task of punting the American football. The ball came spiralling off his boot in a nice torp, the QB for Missouri State commenting, “Boy you kicked the s(p)it out of it”. Lorimer just relieved that his one punt actually came off. After that encouragement his head swelled and he’s now talking about replacing the current punter.

Shooting

In shooting Lorimer has improved on his person best with a rifle scoring 151/200.

Frisbee

The Flying Saucers frisbee team has fallen to pieces suffering three consecutive defeats at the hands of more experienced campaigners. Saucers captain, Robert Williamson remained positive, taking the approach of a true Kansas City Royals fan. “There’s always next season”

Bowling

It came down to a third and deciding round of bowling, Lorimer in deep trouble in the 6^th frame nearly 50 pins down. The situation didn’t get much better until the 9^th frame which Lorimer spared, giving him a glimmer of hope. Rodger soon snuffed all hope out when she spared immediately after, leaving Lorimer 24 pins down heading into the final frame. With the fat lady singing and fair-weather fans leaving early to avoid the rush of traffic Lorimer came out and completed his final frame. Strike, Strike, 9. This left Rodger the task of knocking down 8 pins (or scoring 16) on her first bowl to win. 7 fell down (scoring 14). The pressure mounted on Rodger who now needed to hit just one pin to level it, any more and she would take the crown and every bit of free smoothie that comes with it. The crowd were on their feet, shouting chants and adding the occasional slur. This proved telling as Rodgers last bowl narrowly missed the head pin and sailed unaccompanied into the back of the alley. Lorimer was jubilant and let everyone around him know! “One for the history books” he concluded in his post game interview which was cut short by a large crowd of whinging Poms protesting.

Tennis

After his stellar run coaching the Greenwood boys tennis team Lorimer has been appointed assistant coach for the Greenwood high girls team. The job should see him return to Springfield mid August after three months travelling around North America.

Lorimer rounded out the season with an unblemished (0-13) record and never came close to registering in the winners column. The hiring panel somehow overlooked this fact and were eager to have him on board for the fall 2007 season.

Finally now to the Stock report.

Investors said goodbye to ‘youth group’ after a massive search for company ‘quality cream’ which ended in failure. While that ended in failure the sticky date pudding remained unaffected and is now reaching an international market. A special thanks goes out to savvy investor Jeff Smith who has helped many amateurs find the right stock for any occasion. Investors have recently taken a liking to ‘death defying stunts’ which is predicted to climb steadily over the next 3 months. ‘Salt water’ has risen sharply but is set to evaporate after parting ways with parent company, ‘Eyeballs’. A severe crash is expected for stocks in both ‘Honda’ and ‘hygiene’ but investors can’t predict which will be worse.

A few words from the man himself

Today I went shooting on a range where I was provided with free access, free bullets and free clay targets. This has been the story of my life at the moment. Everything has fallen my way. Recently I have acquired a free phone, free jumper and a free visa renewal which saved money but more importantly, plenty of time and stress. Oh, and also a 92 Honda accord which has power windows, a/c, central locking, electric mirrors, cruise control, as well as a steering wheel on the left hand side… all things that I never knew cars had,!! So pretty much circumstances couldn’t be much better. It really feels like what my friends keep telling me. “It’s your world, we’re just living in it”. Even the staff on Missouri State seem bent on being helpful to me, so bent its like they are all doing the limbo. I owe more than a big thankyou to Dr McAllister, Dr Woodard, Jan Swann and Paula Patterson who have all been so helpful.

Also, Mark and I ran around getting a vehicle inspection which was performed by what I can only imagine was an unselfish basketballer, ‘He’d pass anything.’ And he did, after a “15 minute inspection”. Or so our papers said.

We then got over to the insurance place prepared to be another $585 out of pocket which was the quote I got off the internet. When we first checked, the price came up as $544, an unexpected surprise. Then I asked about putting Mark on the policy as well. This reduced the balance to $478 and that was even after we had informed the insurer of his previous mishap at a stop sign. If I were to count my blessings, I think I’d run out of numbers!

The Bible gives some good advice at this point. ‘When times are good be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God made one as well as the other’ (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

WARNING: This newsreel has been taken over by Jack Stone (Hi-jacked) and is now being done as an independent study on travelling America to help maintain Andrew’s academic status and allow him to teach in this country. Don’t worry nothing will change and nobody will get hurt.